People that are close to me, know that I have a good sense of humor and that I am always quick to crack a smile. I am proud that I can stay optimistic about my life when things are getting difficult. I can pull through even the most challenging situations and still find something positive. I feel that’s one of the main reasons people are drawn to me…..my positive energy. I mean who would want to be my friend if I was constantly talking about how horrible life is? But just like I have stated in the past…I am human and this week confirmed that even I have sad moments.
I have officially lost count on how many surgical procedures that I have gone through, but I think I am coming close to 20. Each one gets harder to recover from, seeing as I have been going through this for the last 11 years of my life! When people ask me how I am doing, regardless if I feel like crawling back into bed, I will say, “I am doing good. Just struggling with some medical issues, but I will get through it.” Then I realize that there will come a day when I won’t be able to “get through it.”
Many of you have read my February blog, “Silver Lining” where I detail my trip to the emergency room with a cyst and a kidney stone. Well this week, I was having a pain in my back and I had a feeling something was not right. So I headed down to the ER, just to find out I had not one…..but two kidney stones, bladder infection and to take it to the extreme (because I can’t be normal), I also had a kidney infection. I spent the evening in the hospital getting I.V. antibiotics and then was released to continue my pill party, while following up with my physician. I went into the office for work the next day and people were shocked I was there. “Why are you here? Are you alright?” they said. I guess the truth is, I don’t know any other way to do it.
It is 1:35am and I can’t sleep. My living room is completely dark except the glow of my laptop. I am sitting on my couch, staring into the screen, trying to find my inspiration to blog. Without the distractions that I fill my day with, I think about my health. This is when it really hits me. When I slow down my life, when I turn off the noise from the day, I become aware that it is truly a miracle what my body has sustained. Put aside the Colon Cancer and Parkinson’s disease, I am only talking about this week. My body has created two stones in my kidney, due to an unbalance in my system. I have a bladder infection that has moved into my kidneys. My body is fighting off sickness and I go into work, just as if nothing has happened…..just a little tired. But this is how I have always done it. Keep moving, don’t slow down, because if I stop for a minute……my fear might chew me up and spit me out.
When I was driving to the ER, it was a bright, warm day. I was thinking about frozen yogurt (which how can you not, it is such a yummy treat that I want everyday). I was frustrated because I had to go back to the hospital and most likely get out too late for fro yo (that is what the professionals call frozen yogurt) not to mention wasting my whole day. As I turn in to the parking lot, I notice an ambulance and in the back window I can see a woman who is still, with an I.V. in her arm. Then suddenly a wave of sadness comes over me.
What if this woman passes away? I think of her family getting that call. Just a normal day filled with work, school, children and other distractions. Life changes in a second. Here I am driving around, worrying about frozen yogurt and death is happening everyday around us. But we are so afraid of it; we act like it is not real. I guess the real fear is that one day, that could be me. My family gets that call. My life stops…..but everyone around me keeps moving on. It’s a very surreal moment. Hey, I can’t be Pollyanna everyday! So now it’s your turn……tell me, how do you cope with the fear of reality?
Sorry to hear about your recent bout of illness. When people ask me how I’m doing, I am very tempted to say, “Apart from the incurable, chronic and progressive Parkinson’s disease I’ve never felt better”; instead I just say, “I’m fine”.
We are all burdened with the curse of self-awareness, which includes an awareness of our own mortality. How do we find meaning in what we do when death will negate everything, no matter what we do? The inevitability of death is balanced by its unpredictability. Imagine if we knew the time and date of our death? It would paralyse us with fear and anticipation; we would think of nothing else. Instead there is a freedom in not knowing (how else do you explain the time wasted on trivial things like pointless arguments, hatred, greed, celebrities, religious isolationism etc when we could be making the world, the here and now, a better place).
Heidegger says that because our death is ours alone (no one can die our death for us), thinking of our end and what we will lose ironically brings us face to face with what we have and who we are, at this moment, in life. It drags us away from the whirligig of everyday life and brings us back to our authentic self.
The fear of reality has its good points too…
Look after yourself
Jonathan
Brillant! I agree, self-awareness is a curse! And it appears that it is a quality only humans have. Isn’t it weird that we have to go through death alone, but we all share the experience?
i was diagnosed at 41 and have been doing my best to pretend it’s not real for over a decade now. your blog this morning hit close to home…although i don’t have quite the same history, i think we’re very similar…recently i had gone to lunch with family even though i felt awful, thinking i would just work through it like i always did…only to discover that time it was more that just not feeling good…what struck me was how surprised i was and the fact that i had totally ignored my bodies screams …………
this year, however, has brought with it new problems . . . .not being able to walk…it is terrifying. up until now, i have viewed it mostly as an inconvenience mostly, something i would just muscle through, like you described….trying my best not to let others see me struggle – for some reason in my pretty little head, i see it as a weakness….or some type of failure….but this new issue with walking has hiding out……not sure how to get around this one… this one scares me –
Ha! The first thing I do when I read your comment is think of ways I can help you walk. But I can’t and I am sorry. I can though offer you a tip that helps me during my low points. Create a grateful journal. This means every night you write down 5 things your grateful for. This can be as simple as being grateful for the creation of fro yo…..that would be on my list for sure. You do this for a whole month and then read through them all when you complete it. You might see at the end of this month, that even though your being challenged right now, you have many great things to help you through it….and you will. Thanks for sharing Suzie, keep in touch!
I am diabetic and have been since 21. It has really changed my life. I have really struggled with it despite my reply when asked how i am… I too always say “I’m fantastic and yourself”, but really every joint in my body aches and all my muscles are contracting from a high blood sugar. So I can relate with you there. This always makes me think about my own mortality. Even though I look very healthy, i am not. I think about how one day my kids will have to attend my funeral…. ehh, its a horrible thought… which gets me to your question… how do i cope with the fear of reality… I guess I somehow believe that if i was granted a life, that i will be granted a death. sounds spooky, i know… but really… if i was granted a life then, I really believe i will have an equally satisfying death. However I know that I am not ready for that yet, so it is my job to focus on the remaining time. You know, now that I actually wrote that down, it sounds silly. Sounded really profound in my head!
Nate, you know it’s funny but I hate the term “lol”….it just doesn’t show true reactions. But…..lol, lol, lol! Your post made me smile and laugh aloud. Isn’t it hard sometimes to put our profound thoughts into words and then onto paper? (Or should I say blog?) You did a great job though. It’s pretty amazing that when I read your comment, I find myself skimming over your “kids at your funeral” part. Even in text I avoid it. lol! I called death “it”! I don’t even want to type it! Wow! Thank you for sharing your thoughts, it really made me think….or maybe it made me avoid?