The title of this post is just a fair warning to the many readers who follow my blog each week, that this will not be the typical humorous, quirky, and witty piece that you are used to. Because with life and love, comes fear and pain. We have to take the good with the bad. So just like when you are reading reviews on the new blockbuster movie you can’t wait to see, you appreciate that someone has common courtesy to notify you with a “Spoiler Alert” before reveling the details about the end of the flick, I too have given you fair warning…proceed reading at your own risk.
Have you ever sat with someone in so much emotional pain that the only thing that seems to provide relief is the thought of ending it? I am not hungry, but I know that I need to eat. I walk to the fridge and stare at the racks of food, but nothing sounds appetizing. I choose a “Lean Cuisine” pepperoni pizza. This is because it is not a big commitment, just throw it in the microwave and if I don’t like it, I wont feel guilty tossing it in the trash. As it is heating up, I am thinking of my day.
Here I am staring at the oven, and feeling uneasy. I have just left the hospital where I was aiding in helping someone who was hurting so badly they believed that ending their life was the answer. Now I am in my silent kitchen, under the glow of fluorescent lights, worrying that I might over-microwave my figure-friendly pizza. At the same moment, this person is in a hospital bed, feeling exhausted and does not have the strength to live another day. Such a surreal moment. I feel sadness pour through my body as I feel slightly ill.
Today I was asked, “How do you do it? How can you stay so positive with all of your medical issues?” I did not know how to respond. I wish that I could have told them my secret to happiness, but the truth is I am not sure I have one. Each of us has experienced pain and sorrow. The only thing that is different is how we cope. The scary part comes from realizing that many of the difficulties that we are faced with, originated from how we muddle through our challenges.
A perfect example: Jane Doe was 13 years old when she was diagnosed with Juvenile Rheumatoid Arthritis. She was put on multiple medications to manage (coping) the symptoms. These drugs in turn weakened her immune system, which led to colon cancer at age 24. She endures (coping) many hospital stays, many surgeries and medical tests. This traumatized her, which evolves into depression/anxiety. Now everyday becomes a struggle to feel normal, so she uses psychotropic medications (coping) to attempt to enjoy her college years. Due to the medications she used as a 13-year-old (coping), she is then diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease at age 32. Trying to eradicate the sadness and anger from being stripped of her life, she fills her days with humor (coping) and stays so busy that she is unable to think of her pain (coping).
It doesn’t take a detective to realize that the Jane Doe I used as an example is actually me…… my life. I sit here with a cold uneaten pizza, listening to Tracy Chapman’s “Fast Car” and feeling grateful that I have somehow found a way to survive. I believe that sharing your story can be extremely powerful. So even through this blog post wasn’t filled with unicorns and frozen yogurt, I appreciate being able to share it with you.
You amaze me my friend. Thank you for sharing. Love Chris
I continue to marvel at your positive thinking and upbeat attitude. I have always considered myself to have those same gifts. having p.d. was surprising, but my recent diagnosis of rectal cancer with its chemo and radiation was shocking. fear of the unknown is the worst part , but knowing I have good friends like I do give me many reasons to smile. always know that your open willingness to share your life and your challenges gives all of us who know you hope for the future. you remain a gift of inspiration to everyone you touch. thank you. with love,susan
Thank you Susan! I wish you only the best with you recent cancer diagnosis. Sending you my love!
Well I normally would respond with some kind of witty response, like the quote I read one time: “…don’t forget in the dark what you learned in the light.” But DARN IT ALL, IT DOES GET DARK SOMETIMES!
You still made me smile! Thanks for the comment!
I have always said you are one of the bravest people I know. You struggle and smile and struggle and smile. It takes someone with great strength to be able to put it all out there and share their pain and then laugh the next day. Thank you for reminding all of us to find our inner strength, help each other, and keep going. You Rock Ally!!
Michelle, you are so sweet!! Thank you for sharing!
Thank you for sharing. Even though I don’t see you much, I always talk about you, my perky parkie friend and how amazing you are! I do miss you. It’s been almost 9 years since Parkinson’s decided to grace me with its presence at the ripe age of 40. It’s definitely progressed and the timing of my meds are critical as you all know. I hobble around each morning feeding the dog, making coffee, and getting the paper while my toes are curled therefore I have major callouses. Then I sit on my iPad obsessing on shopping while I wait till my meds kick in. I do call myself “Parkie Girl” . I say Perky Parkie & Parkie Girl need to go to lunch or something soon. I have an appt next Wednesday with K. Martinez if you’re available for lunch or a shopping date?
For you! Always! Lunch and Shopping!!!
I am humbled and appreciative of your blog. PD is cruel and punishing…but everyone has struggles and pain to overcome. Certainly, you have endured far more than I and yet you are a survivor. Far more than that, even though you struggle with your physical health, you are a healer for others. Your words invoke thoughtful reflection, humility, and gratefulness. I will start my day over with a new perspective. Thank you for sharing. I will visit a very sick friend in the hospital today. I hope with my revised attitude that my presence will bring her more peacehope and comfort than it would have had I not read your blog. Thank you.
Jayne, Thank you for your kind words. Sometimes just sitting with someone can mean so much. Hope your friend gets better soon!
Allison,
I have battled with debilitating chronic intractable pain for 30 yrs. I took care of my late husband at home in hospice care. I remarried to a man I have known for 25 yrs. I was well aware of his medical conditions, one of which is Parkinsons. I guess we do what we are given to do. Somehow, we dig down deep and find the strength to struggle through another day. Why? Because we have to.
Bless you and I sincerely pray you continue to find that daily strength.
Hi Allison,
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. Lately we’ve had some trips to the ER; thankfully Chuck isn’t hurt but he fell on me causing a concussion & 18 stitches by left eye. He is temporarily in a board & care home. We appreciate you & miss you.
Love, Chuck & Kathy Andrews
Chuck can’t get a break!!! We miss you guys! Maybe you can come visit one Saturday?
Stories of our life don’t only contain the good so you would not be true to yourself -and your readers, in my humble opinion, if you only shared the good. The raw pain you shared was real and must have been hard to share. So thank you for opening up your heart and your soul to others.
So true Robin. Thank you for giving me something to think about!
What a thoughtful post. It does seem that some people are so fortunate to have something inside that helps them “cope”, while some, like your hospitalized friend, just can’t summon that motivation to go on. I’m sure your own wounding gives you great empathy for other’s suffering.
It defiantly does, but sometimes it is hard to feel someone’s pain when there is really nothing I can do but sit with them. Thank you for your comment!