Every time you say no to someone else, you say yes to you.” –Reiki Master Suri
It has been a skill that I have been practicing for over a decade and am just now getting comfortable with it… saying no. I haven’t perfected the art of denial, without guilt, but I do appreciate the many opportunities to rehearse. It’s in my nature to try to help others, so much that I can put my own needs aside, but this can be unhealthy. This led me to learn how set personal boundaries. Not only to protect myself but to allow myself to be present and happy in my life.
There are very few things in life that we cannot manipulate, bargain or steal. An example of this is the gift of time. There is nothing more valuable than time. You can’t go to your local mall and buy more of it if you are running low. We all have varying amounts of time given to us; some could have years or decades, while some may only have days. Also, time can move at different speeds. When I was younger, I remember the longest night of the year was always Christmas Eve. The excitement of Santa Claus visiting my house made the minutes seem like days.
Another factor that has encouraged my need to learn how to say no is that I have a bad habit of running until I hit a wall. Before I had Parkinson’s disease, fatigue was no issue. It’s like I had an energy meter that told me when I needed to take a break or get something to eat. Then I could judge when I had to slow down. But now with Parkinson’s, I can be feeling fine and then… BOOM!… I hit a wall. There are even times when I have done too much, I can still feel off and overcooked for days after I crashed into my wall.
I understand that my Parkinson’s disease symptoms are different every day and my “on” time is limited. This requires me to be choosy as to “who” or “what” I spend my energy on. If you are not significant to me, I am not going to give you my precious time. I cannot let meaningless conflicts or shady people take space in my head. I will not waste a minute of my valuable time worrying about things that I cannot change.
So now that we know why we must set boundaries and be selective on where we spend our time and energy… how do we do it?
Here are some hints about learning how to say no:
1. Establish your priorities: It’s not easy to know when to say no if you are unclear of what your priorities are. A simple wheel chart can help you. Just use the scale of 1 (Not high on your priority list) to 10 (Major priority, like eating frozen yogurt) to see where you should invest your energy.
2. Stop being so perky: This one is the most difficult for me! If you’re always giving… people will continue to take. My perky attitude can be a breath of fresh air in a room full of skunks. But if I am not careful, my happiness can be diluted if I spread myself too thin. Be firm, but polite when turning down a request that doesn’t land in your priority wheel.
3. Avoid saying “maybe”: Come on now…. maybe you will go to your friends Bunco party on Friday? That’s just like saying, “yes, I might choose to grace you with my presence for the battle of dice…. if no better offer comes along.” Nobody wants to be left hanging. If you honestly don’t know if you can reply yes, just say, “Thank you so much for the invite. I might have a commitment on Friday night… can I let you know tonight after I check my schedule?” THEN FOLLOW THROUGH. You made a promise to give a definitive answer at a specific time. Don’t’ turn this into a maybe game.
Photo Source: healthy place.com
4. Parkinson’s can lead to no’s: Sometimes Parkies can be apprehensive to commit to future plans, knowing that our symptoms can be unpredictable. But that doesn’t mean you should use that as an excuse. If I want to say yes, but I’m unsure if my PD will act like a Diva and prevent me from going, I say, “I would love to make plans to get some lunch tomorrow and catch up. But my PD has been a little butthead lately can we make tentative plans and I will call you tomorrow morning and let you know how I am feeling?” This allows you to say yes (when it fits into your priority wheel) but keeps the anxiety of having to cancel with little warning out of it.
5. Explain why… briefly: You don’t need to be rude or blunt. But just saying “No” can sound aggressive. Try this on for size, “That sounds like so much fun! I love game nights, but I already have other plans. Keep me in mind for next time?”
6. Don’t lie because you feel guilty saying no: We have all been there. A little white lie won’t hurt. I just don’t want to hurt their feelings. I mean really, it’s for their own good. Then your little teensy-weensy fib about having another commitment leads to you being abducted by aliens… the lie continues.
7. Offer another option: Maybe you want to help, but can’t commit to the whole rodeo, purpose another option with boundaries your comfortable with. Now everyone wins… well except the rodeo clown.
How do you say no without feeling guilty? Have your perfected the art?
No is one of my least favorite words, but I seem to be using it more and more. Before Parkinson’s I used to be quite an accomplished piano player, and a half way decent guitar player, playing for parties, weddings, dinners etc. I still play my music, but I never know from one day to the next how well I am going to play. And I rarely, if ever, live up to my own standards. My friends still think I play well, but I know the difference between what is and what was…they still ask, but more often than not the answer is no.
It sucks when PD makes doing the things you love difficult to do. Thank you for sharing. You’re not alone.
Good advice!
“Sometimes Parkies can be apprehensive to commit to future plans, knowing that our symptoms can be unpredictable.” This item in the post reminded me of my concern about traveling. I wonder, “Will I feel ok?” “Will i be able to go to the bathroom?” “Will I sleep well?” Despite all that, I am on my way to Northern California (from Virginia) tomorrow to visit my son and three grammar school/college friends whom I haven’t seen for at least 45 years. It feels even more important now. And I have plans to go to Ireland in August… So there! 🙂
Ireland?! I’m so jealous! Take that Parkinson’s!
Dear Perky Parkie. So often you express to a “t” my own feelings and experiences. I too have challenges saying “no” without guilt. Especially, with my mother. She is 87, does not understand Parkinson’s at all, and thinks I’m just using PD as an excuse. She wonders why there are times when I am able to do things with my friends but not with her. The concept of being on in the morning and off in the afternoon, or vice versa is totally foreign to her. My remaining years with my Mom are obviously limited and I do not intentionally want to miss a moment withher, so I do try, but the visits can ultimately be a disaster. I have visited her on some of my worst days, when I have little in reserve to be compassionate, patient, or caring, Her needs and negative energy can just zap me. Sadly, I am her only “friend” left of her social circle. At my age of 65, I still need my Mom too, and I just want to be her daughter, like it used to be, once upon a time, a long time ago. I often do use “maybe” as a response to invitations, rather than commit to yes or no. When I respond with “maybe”, I add that it depends on how I feel on the day of the event. Either my PD will cooperate or it won’t. We don’t know from day to day how we will feel, or how hard the crash into that cement wall will be that we are all so familiar with. I really do not like to cancel last-minute. My intention is that I will try to attend, and that is often the response I use to invitations. My inner circle of friends and family know what that means, I think I will try using “Yes, maybe”, next time. Positive response with no guilt!
I can only imagine how frustrating and upsetting it would be to not have the support of your mother. I have seen many families for therapy who are dealing with this very issue. I wonder if it would be helpful for her to hear about Parkinson’s from someone else. Education is power, but it sounds like there is an underlying cause for your for your mother’s behavior. Maybe she feels lonely and when you can’t be present with her, you being her only “friend”, she feels abandoned. Just a thought. I do Life Coaching for families going through transitions just like you. It is done all online, and it might be a good resource for you. If your interested in talking to me about it more, just sent me a message on my “Contact Me” page and I will get right back to you. Good luck and keep those boundaries strong!
Great job as always, Awesome Allison! This blog on saying no was talking to me. I’ll have to use some of your suggestions! Keep up the good work! You’re great!….Sharon
Thank you for your kind words Shar-bear!
NO. NO. NO.
Geesh that does feel good doesn’t it!
Ha! Yes it does!
Being a middle child makes it hard not to say, “sure.” I usually want to please. A brush with leukemia refocused what is really important for me. Thx for sharing your perspective, PP.
Isn’t it funny what a dose of bad health can do for your mindset?
HEY PERKY, ARE YOU GOING TO BE HAVING YOUR: PERKY PARKY PICNIC PARTY???
For sure!!! Every July!