I have been trying to date again and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m 40… I know, how can it be with my flawless skin… or because I’m currently in an exclusively relationship Parkinson’s. Why date now after being single for 2 years? Well, it could be because whenever I am watching a really good show and something crazy happens, like in the “Walking Dead” when the evil villain Negan is about to kill the sweet innocent Glenn with a baseball bat wrapped with barbwire and he says to his love Maggie, “I’ll find you”… then WACK! I just wanted to scream, shake someone and say, ‘Did you see that?!” but when I turn to my couch, I only see my dog Crash and he won’t understand the significance of Glenn’s death, because Maggie is actually pregnant with their child! Ahhhh!… sorry, I digress.
Maybe I feel like I should date because the only cuddling I get is when Crash and I spoon at night. Then again, my friends and family are always encouraging me to meet a man, a partner in crime, someone to laugh at my weird sense of humor. They hope that I can find someone who will care for me and be my rock when the waves are rolling in. While all that sounds good, I know that my Parkinson’s disease is a lot for someone to take on, but furthermore, it’s a lot for me to take on.
When you care for someone, you must be vulnerable. Showing the good, the bad, the ugly and the uglier. It’s comforting to come home after a day of work, turn on the television and chill on the couch. If I don’t have plans at night, I will lower my medications so I don’t have bad dyskinesia that will keep me up. This makes my symptoms more apparent, which I am finding more comfortable to do alone in my apartment. This worries me. Is it going to just harder to let someone into my life if I keep people out? Don’t answer that…
So I have made it my mission to actively try to date. It can’t be that hard. I can go into a crowded room and talk to complete strangers. I will point out my Parkinson’s symptoms, while making conversation with no fears or reservations. But when you add the word “date” into it, all of a sudden, things change.
Ok, let me give you the deets… that’s what the kids are calling “the details” nowadays. I met a man on a dating app on my phone. You know, one of those swipe right for the men you are interested in or swipe left for ones that don’t grab your attention. So I swiped right on a man who had similar interests as me and had a great smile… we will call him, “Mr. Smiles”. We exchanged a few messages and then a couple of phone calls and we seemed to click. He didn’t get freaked out when I told him about my extensive ceramic cat collection that I dust on a daily basis, so I knew that he was all right with my odd sense of humor. I decided not to tell him about my Parkinson’s ghost in the closet until we met in person… didn’t want to scare him off too early.
We decide to meet at a local bar in the afternoon for a drink. I told him to look for the girl holding a ceramic cat figurine. I arrived early, so I decided to walk around the nearby stores. I found myself having a bazillion thoughts running through my head and butterflies in my tummy. I was a little shocked by my response. I’ve never had nerves when meeting people… where did this come from? I decide to put a safety pill in my pocket, just in case I needed a Sinemet during the day date with Mr. Smiles.
I spot him approaching as I wait outside. He looked just liked his profile pictures… it was a relief knowing that I wasn’t being catfished. We said our hellos and made our way to the bar. The moment I take a seat, I feel a hot flash coming on. I think to myself, “Of course. Why wouldn’t I have a flash of fire singeing my face and neck?” I try to find a way to wipe sweat off my upper lip and still look cool.
Glistening like I just ran 10 miles, I try to stay focused on the conversation, but now I’m becoming aware that my dyskinesia has decided to join the date. “Just sit still” I tell myself as sweat is streaming down my face. I am officially a hot mess and not pulling it off because Mr. Smiles says, “you look very uncomfortable, are you nervous?” Normally, I would joke about my hot flash and educate those around me that dyskinesia can make me look like I’ve got ants in my pants, but for some reason I just felt awkward.
We spent the next hour sharing details about our lives, when I notice that my meds are going off… but no worries, I have the secret pill in my pocket. Although I was prepared, how do I get it out of my jeans and into my mouth without him noticing? I see my chance when he looks away to check his phone. I lean back on my stool and pull the yellow savior out of my pocket. Glancing back to make sure Mr. Smiles was still distracted I pop the pill in my mouth and take a swig of my tonic water. Just like a kid trying to steal a treat from the cookie jar, I was successful in my sneakiness.
I realize that if it weren’t a date, I would pull out my whole pillbox and dig through the plethora of medication I carry on a daily basis without giving it a second thought. I don’t waste time trying to make people feel comfortable about my Parkinson’s. It’s something I can’t change. So why is it different when I’m out with a potential mate?
Well that day I shared with Mr. Smiles that I had Parkinson’s and that is why I might appear uneasy, but involuntary movements is part of my condition. Wish I could say that there’s a second date planned, but that would be a lie. Not sure if I should have waited to spring the whole PD thing on him, or maybe it was the ceramic cat thing… but this experience will help me on my next date. Wish me luck.
You are brav I have parkinson for about 15 years
So have you found Mr. Right?? I just happened onto your blog from 2 years ago!!! Better late than never right!! I’ve been single now for 3 years and would love that special someone to do things with but the whole dating thing is so weird that I wanted to get more of your perspective. I’m 60 and never had an issue getting attached until I became a hermit the last few years!! Give me your take if your still out there trying. Tori
Hey I’ve had PD 15 years also ! First 10 for me were pretty easy but last 5 a bit more challenging.
Hi Allison…
I have learned over the years that life brings certain people into our lives in the most unsuspecting way. All you have to do is let time, open and honest conversation bring those two people together no matter how far apart they might be.
Bridges were not only created to bring countries or cities together, but to bring people together as well.
You are a Beautiful, Intelligent, Courageous, Amazing, Caring, Funny woman, I know there is a guy out there that will see those qualities and he will find you one day.
Brilliant blog as always.
I am agree with you.being honest solves any problem in relationship.
Hang in there. If there is a pot for your lid, it will happen. I’m 61 and married a man with Parkinson’s this past May after I was divorced for 38 years. I was very satisfied with my life and was not dating. But he joined my Rock Steady Boxing gym and we were able to get to know each other for a year before going out – and I initiated the first date. I thought hard about a life together and decided his humor and other good qualities outweighed the Parkinson’s and even thought once, “someone would be lucky to have him”. So then it was an easy step to “maybe I can be the lucky one”. We’ve been married 6 months and it’s been difficult for both of us, mostly due to his cognitive decline, but I wouldn’t trade our marriage for anything.
What a sweet story! Thank you for sharing!
Great post!
Dating and Parkinson’s, well the stories I could tell. Most of them about me loosing interest in the process just about the time I feel like I’m ready. I’m 60 now and have met several woman that don’t even flinch. Suffice to say my courage is not always equal to their’s. Like you, I remain optimistic. Parkinson’s should not define who we are and does not define me. It’s those tricky symptoms that are a pain in the arse.
Best to all and thank for the blog!
Randy
It is a tricky situation… but I guess all we can do is keep trying. Happy to hear that you enjoyed my blog. Thank you for your comment!
Good for you Alison with an outlook like that it won’t be long before you meet the right person.
Thank you! I hope so!
You will meet the right person Allison, it may take time but he will come along.You are a beautiful person and anyone that cannot see past the PD is not worth it.
It took me 4 years after my first wife past away due to MS, and the first couple didn’t work out that well, but I did find a wonderful person. Although I had been trying to find out what was going on with me and my body for many years, I wasn’t diagnosed until after we started dating but she had no problem with it. We are now looking after each other as she has developed some problems as well, the wonders of aging, LOL.
Wishing you all the best and never settle!
Thank you Tim. I will never settle!
I met my wife way before PD symptoms on Match Dot Com. In some ways, it was a nice option to meet potential dates, but it almost always felt like a job interview. Now that I have PD, I’m not sure how I would handle announcing it. Like you, anyone who is around me knows I have PD (can’t hide the tremors even with meds), but you’re right. It could be something big if it’s addressed too quickly. All I can say is that if someone was to want to be your significant other, your condition wouldn’t bother him. That said, just having an arbitrary “that’s no problem” could be a problem too since someone really needs to know and understand the full package of baggage now and baggage that could come. All I can say is that you’re right that vulnerability comes with opening yourself up to love, no matter what. I am sure that you can find that special someone out there. The best advice is to just play it by ear. If it feels right, say it. Like George Clooney said on Inside the Actor’s Studio (regarding jobs, but that does apply to dating, too), “You’re playing with house $.” You didn’t have the job (the guy) going in, but if you sparkle and stand out, you could. That might be easier to say being in a relationship where PD came later so it’s now a part of in sickness and in health, but the right man won’t mind. Just stay positive and (in the words of Journey) “Don’t Stop Believing.”
So happy to hear that you have a great partner. Yeah, feels like a job interview, but just like applying for a job, timing is everything!
Good luck to you! I love your strength and courage. You’ll find the right one, eventually:)
Fingers crossed!
I totally get this post but on the flip side, how do you leave a bad relationship when you need the support, insurance…. how could I find another man willing to deal with this mess? But I know there is the perfect on somewhere, you will never even see him coming ❤️
Just keep at the dating game!
That is a tricky situation. I am blessed to be able to care for myself, but I haven’t done it alone… I keep my wolfpack strong!
Allison, you are a special person who deserves someone to cuddle on the couch with, other than Smash. I keep an eye out for you, but the problem is that i find myself being too critical of possible ‘significant others.” That’s because i know you, and understand your value, and wouldn’t want you to hook up with someone who isn’t your equal, because that won’t last.
Awwww, thanks Pete for always having my back!
Great to read that you’re back in the ‘game’ Allison. Good to see that you took the route you did, sharing about your PD.
Whether or not there’s a date number two, your honesty can not be questioned.
Thank you Shane… Now the first one is out of the way, hopefully it will be easier.
I never realized the position you were in could be so tough. You clearly made it good reading, though, and I wonder whether Mr. Smiles or any guy would see the real you, by giving him your blog address, to see what a genuinely “take on life and live it” mentality you have!!
That might be the way to go, just slip them my blog address…. then if they come around again, they already know.
Good Luck. Wish we could educate people more about what it’s like to have a Parkinsons.
That’s my goal everyday! Educate at least one person.
I don’t see how you would have trouble dating with that awesome red hair and your good attitude. I am sure you will find a good match.
Thank you for your kind words… my fingers are crossed.
Keep going PP , always keep in mind , it’s their loss , not yours
David, so true.
Awsome post lady so proud of you.
Thank you Marcia!
Perky, Good luck on your dating adventures. I hope you will find someone who can see beyond your PD and appreciate you for who you are – a generous, kind, humorous, intelligent and courageous woman who has this thing about ceramic cats and a fondness for frozen yogurt 🙂 You deserve a good partner and I am confident that you will find someone.
Thank you for your kind words John.
Good luck to you ! Once I tell a woman I have PD , they just politely say no thanks. I am starting to get used to it.
Just goes to show you how superficial people can be. By looking at me or talking to me you would not know I had PD.
I just want to let people know. I hope everything works out for you .
Thanks for sharing.
Sending you positive energy and thoughts that you find someone who looks beyond Parkinson’s.