I have been trying to get back on a schedule with my exercise routine. I was participating in Rock Steady Boxing and Yoga until the COVID pandemic slapped us across the face. Then I got in the Corona slump, where I felt unmotivated and unproductive. Out of fear, despondency, anxiety, and trepidation, I felt the pressure of limiting my exposure to the outside world. I guess you could say I was paranoid.
When the quarantine ended here in California, I knew I had to find some way to get motivated to get back into a healthy routine, but all the gyms remained closed. Trying to workout at home was a bust because my dog, Crash thinking I was just playing a game jumps up and bites me in the tush. This went on for a couple of months, but then our state allowed the YMCA to open up their exercise classes with a limited amount of people. I took this as my time to get back in the game. I signed up for a fitness class.
The class that I chose was called “body pump” which seems counterintuitive seeing as I don’t want to pump my body up anymore… I need more of a “body dump” to shave off the extra COVID weight I’ve gained. The class consisted of moderate weights with high repetition exercises. I went in feeling pretty confident that I would be able to keep up. I got through the class sweating and breathing heavy, my muscles felt alright, but I wasn’t prepared for the following morning.
I woke up and immediately morphed into a turtle on its back. I couldn’t get out of bed… arms and legs flailing around… my abs were so painful, I had to roll off of my bed. I knew that starting a new exercise routine would be challenging, but I knew I could walk it out with my dog, Crash, and still my steps in even if my muscles took some time to adjust to my new beast mode workout.
I’ve never thought of myself as an unreasonable person, but since being diagnosed with Parkinson’s, I find myself doubting who I am and how I interact with people. For example, this week I had my “body dump” class and I felt my paranoia kicking in. You know that feeling when you know someone is watching you… you can almost feel the heat coming off their stare. I walked up to the gym equipment to gather what I needed for the upcoming class. I glance to my left and see a woman who when our eyes met, she immediately looked away… ok, noted. I am attempting to place weighted plates on the bar. I’m struggling with the equipment. It’s almost as if I totally forgot how to arrange the barbell… like I was trying to put a square peg in a round hole. Look up and lock eyes on the same women. The voice in my head says, “Ok, now my stupidity is becoming noticeable… pull it together Perky.” But every time I glanced at her, she was looking at me… maybe could she see that I wasn’t normal?
Due to my Parkinson’s restrictions, I spent most of the class focused on the fact that I had people watching me, and if that wasn’t bad enough… The room was covered wall to wall with mirrors. My anxiety of just being out in public is not something new. I detailed this in my blog post, “I hear voices” years ago, but I’m quite surprised that it is still prevalent today. This just proves to me, unequivocally my paranoia is very much a symptom of my Parkinson’s. I tried to talk myself around my anxiety… “maybe she is looking at my new lululemon leggings and wants to know where I got them from or what if I look just like her whimsical childhood friend or maybe she is admiring my charmingly delightful red hair… it doesn’t have to be all negative.”
This got me thinking… I do that sometimes… Many of us are required to wear a mask whenever we’re are around other people. This gives me a sense of relief not having to put forth energy just to look normal. Take for instance I don’t have to try as hard to hide my resting bitch face that comes along with Parkinson’s. This all comes from my paranoia, which is included within the huge bubble of mental health issues Parkies struggle with on the daily such as anxiety and depression.
Have any of you had any paranoid feelings and if so, how did you deal with it?
Image via libertyforcaptives.com
oh boy yes! i have been diagnosed for nearly 6 years now..I’m 55…and even now i struggle with anxiety and paranoia in social situations. But, truth be told, some of this is learned through the way I have been treated by other people. i have been ridiculed in the grocery store for packing my groceries too slowly, and told I “shouldn’t be out by myself if I cant manage something that simple”….the cashier gave the woman a real mouthful I must say… And another time a man asked me if I was ‘jonesing for a hair of the dog?” at 10:00am! My symptoms are under much better control now, both through medication and my time management, but there is still that gut wrenching moment when I have to go anywhere that I might have to stand in line, or be visible to other people doing “normal’ things. I try to remind myself that there are more people who want to help, than the idiots who just judge and have no filters. AND I have, on a good day, a brave day, looked them in the eye and said “i have Parkinson’s, so I might take a few minutes longer than you”……while praying that I don’t start sweating and shaking any more than the stress has already made me LOL..Thank goodness for masks…they make me much braver!
Allison You are not going to believe this but the way I found out I had PD was when I injured my back at a Body Pump class. I had been going twice a week for 2-3 years. I started to notice I was having difficulty with my left side. It became hard to extend the bar above my head. No matter what adjustments I made I continued to struggle.. My right arm would be fully extended and my left was somewhere around my ear. When we did lunges I had balance issues. I was sent to physical therapy and after a month of therapy she sent me to a neurologist. And after 2 MRI’s I was diagnosed with PD. For the most part no one would know I have PD.I lost my job because of covid19. I have spent the past 6 months trying to find a job and I’m driving myself crazy with fear and anxiety. Which has made my symptoms so much worse. i do not believe I can admit I have PD and get a job. So I have done my best to hide it. Which I know is not going to work forever.. At lease I can hide behind my facemask and not have to explain to anyone that I.m not tired or sick because I have no expression . I hate explaining I have PD. I don’t want pity or especially have the person think they have to treat me differently.
a
Wow!! OMG! 😮 What an adventure you’ve had. I hope you can find a job that can accommodate your PD. Thank you for sharing your story!
You need to ask? 😂🤣😂
I was on a 12 hour car ride to buy a bike when I came to this conclusion… we have Parkinson’s, because we’re hot. You and I have extra health problems, because we’re extra good looking. It’s natures way of evening things out. We’re so good looking in fact, that the earth created a virus so we’d have to cover our faces with a mask.
Being crazy has its advantages. You see things from a different perspective. While everyone is looking at things from a boo hoo I have this or that perspective, I see things differently. You see people staring at you in a gym full of people who don’t have Parkinson’s. I see you being heroic by working out in a gym full of people who don’t have Parkinson’s. The second you only want to be around people who are just like you, is the second you’ve given up. There is no quit in you… or you can just channel your inner Mexican and ginger snap on that bitch who keeps staring! 😂🤣😂
John,
I love how you just flip that! You had me laughing so hard! 😂🤣 Earth’s way of evening things out! 😝
I used to be the first one to offer “help” when someone was in distress before PD. I have since learned that not everyone wants help. Now when someone asks me if I need help,
most of the time I DO need help. Then I think, man, I look like I need help!!! I have come to the conclusion that someone noticed me, had compassion, and was willing to offer help. In a way it is nice to be a recipiant of kindness and also be a part of someone elses good feeling after helping another human being. One thing I do miss is not being able to help others. PD humbles us and that is a good thing!
Karen, you’re so right!
You are such a doofus. You think too much. You all are there to exercise, some make it look easy. Most are struggling with some challenge. Wear a PD Movement shirt to start a conversation? Don’t try to be ordinary. You are extraordinary.
Awwwww, thanks, Dad.
Ya know Alison, I never really connected the feelings until I read this! Thanks for the eye opener. I’ve never been a real confident gym person but I have stepped up my game since my PD diagnosis. I was always comfortable in front of people but since PD I always feel like I’m being watched or graded. Now I know why. Maybe I’ll just keep wearing my mask and no one will see my PD, hehehehe, right.?
Thanks for the posts.
Bill,
Now you got the idea! Just keep wearing your mask! It keeps everyone safe and also hides Parkinson’s… bonus!
Allison,
I’ve been a gym rat for years but only a Parkie for about 11 or 12 years. It has become a different experience. Now
I spend much of my time on a bicycle watching everyone go past me with an occasional conversation with an old friend.
It has become a different experience!!
My paranoia centers around people who think that because I have PD I am helpless. Sure, I have difficulty with some simple tasks, but I don’t need people to leap to my assistance for every little thing. I don’t want to just sit around the rest of my life saying “thank you” to people who do things I am perfectly capable of doing. I know they mean well, but I am not a lumpy mass of tissue that can’t move. It might take me longer, but if you’re in that big of a hurry go to McDonalds…
Paul,
Good point! Sometimes you can feel rushed from others and because you might be slower, they will just do it for you without asking if you need help!
I am overwhelmed by how gracious people are to me. I was always the one who jumped in or up to help people. I took care of my Dad, anticipating his every need, etc.
It is so bizarre being the recipient ….the one who is handed a cup of tea, whose husband/friends/ wonderful neighbours automatically carry anything for me. I have to fight the feeling that I must look so lazy!!
My occasional slowness to change clothes or inability to juggle items i am holding in my hands.. (bag, mask, water, phone, keys) bothers me, but mainly I am just so terribly fatigued that I just want to lie down.
I have a window of great productivity from about 11.30am to 3pm, and I use it for chores and piano practice. But then I am wiped out. Some days I don’t feel energetic enough to get out of bed until midday. And yet, once out, no one can believe I have anything wrong with me! PD is a peculiar disease, isn’t it?!
If you are going to the gym, I salute you! Please don’t worry about people staring at you! Maybe they are just incredibly impressed! I certainly wish I had your motivation!
Posy,
Thank you for sharing your story. It reminded me to be grateful for the things that I can still do.
Good post Perky! The reason I like to attending my rock steady boxing class is that no one looks askance when m7y dyskinesia acts up. We’re all the same boat (a very rocky boat!). I took a yoga class with nonparkies and was conscious of my form and what people thought when I would shake rattle and roll. This created stress which made it worse. I am taking yoga and tai chi classes online and find that I am more comfortable since I am not concerned with how I look to others. I can turn the camera off if I’m dyskinetic. Take care and stay safe!
John,
Nice to know, I’m not alone!
I love the mask, too, because there are times
when my lips stiffen up and I look weird, when I try to talk.
When I am out, I tell myself that I am just being paranoid, when I think peop l e stare.. Then someone will comment on my strange movements, confirming that it wasn’t paranoia, after all.
I am tired of trying to explain how this disease affects me.
Becoming a Parkie feels like walking into a horrible trap and life stops being peaceful and comfortable.
Vera,
Can’t we have a holiday from our Parkinson’s? That would be nice.
Allison,
I am involved with the PEP4U exercise group. Pre-Covid we offered four PD-specific exercise routines at the Y on Crown Valley in LN. We’ve been there for years. We have migrated all classes to Zoom as we wait for loosening of CV restrictions.
Send me an email or phone # and I will fill in details. We have a great group of Perkies and DPT instructors.
Ernie
eatkins@cox.net
Treasurer
PEP4U
Ernie,
I was wondering where the Parkies were! I knew that you had a class there, but I didn’t see you guys on the YMCA schedule. That’s great that you are offering zoom classes! Thank you for sharing the info!
Hi Allison,
I have been doing these Rock Steady Boxing classes online. It has been wonderful to be able to continue boxing at home and at my own pace. Coach Dean is very inspiring , too!
https://parkinsonsboxingonline.com/
Melanie
Melanie,
Awesome! Thank you for sharing!
My paranoia was in fact reality when the guard at my local exercise facility asked me if i had been drinking. The 2 life guards had decided after watching my weaving movement in the water as i was trying to fix my goggles, that i was inebriated! If im going to get drunk it won’t be before i swim laps!
Rebecca,
You have just touched on a topic that I wanted to write a post on… people thinking that we are drunk!
i AM TOO PARANOID TO RETURN TO THE GYM AND IT IS NOW PROHIBITED. i TRIED IT THRICE AND ENDED UP YELLING AT PEOPLE WHO IMPROPERLY WORE MASKS. lOVE YOUR POSTS!
George,
The gym is pretty tricky. You have to rely on others to stay safe. Thanks for sharing! Stay healthy!
I have been shadowed for about a year. I get a glimse of something and my brain responds by finishing the person off and as quickly as I can turn and see them, they disolve and disappear. What’s weirder is the sense of having someone else in the house, or in my office. There should be only two of us, there is three, when I am alone there is two. The best of all of them is my evil pool cleaner, which rove’s the pool bottom to keep it spotless, except when I get in I have the distinc feeling it wants to grab me, tie my legs up, an pull me under. Now I know how psychosis starts. Until you belive the inanimate devices are playing in your world, you are safe. Not unlike a conspiracy theory. Once one starts to belive that stuff, that’s when trouble begins.
Pete,
That damn pool cleaner! I will destroy it for you!
Hi Allison! I thought about going to the YMCA also. I think they are having some outdoor classes. Which Y are you at? We should chat. I would love to go to class with you. And I think the lady at the gym was checking out your biceps and wondering how she could get guns like that!
Lauren
Lauren,
I am going to the YMCA on Crown Valley. It’s not as fun as our group was… but that would be hard to top! I would love to go with you. Then we can creepily stare at people together!
I went to yoga for first time last week since about January
Only 6 people in the class but I still get paranoid so I keep my eyes closed most of the time lol this works sort of?
I am having a hard time getting back into an exercise routine plus my shoulders are in rough shape ( I need a right shoulder replacement surgery ) lots and lots of pain so this doesn’t help.
I can definitely relate
Thanks for sharing your life with us
Todd,
What a great idea, just close my eyes… although I am sure that would cause trouble with weights and bars!